Extispicy: Celery Tights

July 14, 2003

Celery Tights

Among the goodies on Lileks' site is this: LILEKS (James) : Institute: The Peculiar Art of Mr. Frahm

This peculiar series of illustrations features startled women whose pink panties have just accidentally fallen to their ankles. The women usually also always happen to be holding a bag of groceries in which a bunch of celery is always present (an anomaly Lileks points out and analyzes at length).

As Lileks points out in the introduction to his presentation:

For starters, their entire premise is untenable: underwear simply does not fall down like this, unless the wearer has no hips and the panties no elastic.

Well, yeah. Ordinarily, I'd agree. In fact, I did agree the first time I looked at Lileks' presentation of Mr. Frahm's art, which was some months ago.

Then, as if invoking a curse upon myself by laughing at those silly women with their wayward panties, not very long after, I started having trouble with my undergarments of a disturbingly similar nature.

And I hadn't even been in possession of any celery at any time.

It all started when I had just gotten back from New Orleans in April. If you read the highlights of my trip there, you'll have seen the mention of a tattoo I got while there. I know I didn't happen to mention where said tattoo had been placed on my anatomy (and the little pic of it doesn't really show the part of my body in context either). Well, the tattoo happens to be on my outer upper right thigh.

For a few weeks after getting that tattoo, I tried to accommodate the healing of said tattoo by trying as much as possible to avoid wearing things that would unduly chafe the skin where said tattoo was located. Thus, for a couple weeks or so, I wore a lot of loose skirts with stockings underneath.

And one day, outfitted thusly, I left my house to go somewhere and halfway down the block, I felt the panties I had on slipping downwards. Unlike the women in Mr. Frahm's art, though, my facial expression didn't betray any startled look. More one of irritation. But then my panties weren't pink nor did I have any celery. And I caught the damn things before they got around to even getting a half-inch below my skirt. So, with a highly irritated expression on my face, I trod back home to correct the problem while firmly holding up one side of them through the fabric of my skirt to prevent .... the celery thing from fully happening.

Because of course that's what flashed through my mind -- "Damn it, so it does happen. But I don't even have any celery."

Being of a pragmatic nature, especially in regards to underwear, I blamed the incident on the undergarment -- they were old; the elastic, upon closer inspection, seemed like it probably had become too worn out to be serviceable anymore. So, I promptly threw the garment out.

But, alas, that was not the end of the Celery Curse for me. A few weeks passed. My tattoo had healed, and I was able to wear other things. I tend to wear black tights at times -- under shorts or skirts or whatnot. Apparently, a pair of black tights I had in my possession decided to go the way of the Celery. These tights had the irritating habit of rolling downwards if I walked any distance in them. An insidious habit because they would not start doing this until I had gotten several blocks away from home, but once they began to do this, there was no stopping them. I just had to spend what should have been a pleasant walk stopping every couple of minutes to yank them back up into place again. And again. And again. Those damn tights fooled me twice like this (as I had stupidly forgotten to toss them out the first opportunity I had to remove them the first time). And as one pair of black tights looks much like any other .... I unfortunately ended up accidentally putting them on again another occasion only to have my ordeal with them repeated.

I did, the second time I went through that with that pair of tights, remove them when I finally returned home and immediately cut them into little bits (cursing celery, Lileks, Frahm, art, and garments in general as I did) and put the bits in the garbage at once, so I'd never accidentally put them on ever again.

So far, rending those "celery tights" to bits like that seems to have ended my curse of the Celery Tights and, happily, my clothing has returned to being cooperative with me lately.

But I cannot help but remain a little wary now of re-encountering the curse of the Dratted Celery Tights another day. I know now they can attack without warning.

So, yeah, look at Lileks' section on Mr. Frahm's art, but I warn you of possible consequences of reacting to the illustrations with too much hubris. Celery or not, things can happen to your underwear if you do.

Posted by m bat on July 14, 2003 05:35 PM | TrackBack
categories: parenthetical tangents

Comments

Mme Bat!!

Though my damned work firewall blocks Mr. Lilek's site as "BLOCKED: Lingerie and Swimsuit" (!!), I can well imagine the images, as I too have been a victim of said "celery tights" (she says, recalling a beloved pair of ill-fated french fishnets).

I've since learned to embrace the term "commando", although this too has it's own dangers..(I flush at the prospect of just having given too much information).

Posted by: Ms. Morrigen le Fey on July 25, 2003 11:58 AM

Mme Morrigan!

So glad to know I'm not the only victim of dratted celery tights!

Commando? You didn't give away too much information, I assure you. Merely enough that now I'm dying to know, especially how that term has its dangers.

Commando? Commando?

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